Magical things

Today was the first rain of the season. It seemed a bit magical to walk outdoors and see the pretty yellow leaves against the blackness of the wet pavement. And smell the cold dampness of the rain. This time of year always makes me feel so nostalgic + cozy.

3 Things I love Sunday: (because I can't think of 10)

1. The prettiest tree houses - can I live in one please?





2. Colorful paper boats

3. A lovely little leaf boat

Stubborn

I guess I'm not a people pleaser, and I'll never be. I care more about my own integrity than what other people think of me. I think I could have played the game and gotten what I wanted, but then I'd just hate myself for being one of those people. I'd rather be rejected for being honest. Then liked for pretending to be something else. Obviously it hurts. But I cant regret doing the right thing. If I only did the right thing, because it got me what I wanted. I would have no integrity. And that little bit of integrity is what preserves my sense of purpose, and being. Without that, I would be lost.

Lately I've been thinking about fear and it's tendency to control my decision making. I feel like it's easy to see fear in other people. To laugh at them for being chickensh*t about something dumb. But when I'm afraid of something. Well... that must make sense... only it's just as irrational and stupid.

Sometimes I think I'm just afraid of being afraid. The frightening thing itself isn't nearly as bad as the anxiety I get leading up to it. And some things I KNOW aren't scary at all. It wont hurt me. But it doesn't change how I feel about it. Fear is a useful evolutionary adaptation, but sometimes I beg to differ.

One thing I have always known is that I don't want to have kids until I'm not afraid. If I can't be brave, how can I expect to teach my kids any more than me? I want them to explore the world with a sense of adventure. To not be (too) afraid to take risks, or be hurt. I don't want to impart the things I'm scared of on them. Like my parents did with me. Maybe I should make a list of everything I'm afraid of and systematically do them. Just to reduce the fear.

This reminds me that I used to be really scared of the movie The Ring. I was so scared I couldn't sleep. And so scared I forced myself to watch it 6 times. Each time I watched it I got less scared. I realized it was just a movie. Maybe incorporating scary things into my life isn't such a bad idea. Get out of my comfort zone a little :)

One of the sad things about being an adult is having to act like a grown-up. I remember a passage that stuck with me from a novel I read, where the author makes an analogy between our psyche and russian nesting dolls or babushkas. Each doll represents who we were at a certain age, and as we grow older, we keep adding dolls, but the ones inside - like our six year old self, remain... buried somewhere, just waiting to be let out. ha!

This is what I feel like sometimes when I go to the kids toys section at Target. And especially when I look at the pretty fall leaves that are being shed from trees. I want to run, stomp, jump, shout, throw up a armful of leaves in the air and then jump on them when they land on the ground, and hear that loud crunching sound from all those leaves being decimated into little leaf pieces. I want to have a leaf fight and bury someone completely in leaves. I want to play happily in leaves for about an hour without worrying about how stupid it looks, or whether or not my friend thinks I'm an idiot, or if anyone I know might see me. I want to just have fun and not care that it's stupid.

The problem with being an adult is that all fun activities must be organized under a certain heading, like "hiking at Point Reyes", or "Drinks at G street Pub", or "BBQ on Sunday". As an adult, I can drink, or go dancing as forms of recreation, but inviting someone over to draw or play legos is looked upon as weird. The thing is, most of the things I am interested in doing don't involve alcohol, dancing, or the outdoors. Aside from shopping, which I do take an interest in, I feel a lot of grown-up activities to be boring. I miss the old days when I could say to my cousin "come over to my house and we'll play air guitar to our favorite songs and pretend we're rock stars". We'd take turns being lead singer, if I remember correctly. We always had a wicked good time, and it's times when I think back on memories like that that I feel like I need to listen to my inner babushka's, and make use of what's left of my "young adulthood" in creating more interesting memories.

^_____________^

I've been sick almost this entire month of September. Therefore, it was a huge relief this morning when I woke up and my throat didn't hurt like a *$%# for the first time this week. I was so happy, I couldn't get these two songs out of my head this morning: It's friday, and it's going to be a good day today :)

MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON from Dean Fleischer-Camp on Vimeo.

Back in Davis wooohaaa

Mmmm back in this sleepy college town. I missed Davis sooooooo much while I was gone, but now that I am back here, I kind of miss China too. Well, not the humidity, or the traffic, or the dirtiness, but this does kind of feel like a country bumpkin hamlet compared to the mega cities there.

So not excited about school starting tomorrow, yipes! Between work and travel and miscellaneous duties, I think I spent all my summer running around checking things off of my summer to-do list (fyi- I accomplished 6 of 8 checklist items). Now that that's done, damn it, school has to start. I couldn't get one week of just nothing- Teen Mom and Jersey Shore reruns (yes I have horrible taste in tv, but don't hate), sleeping in, going to last of farmer's market, eating popcorn for breakfast and enjoying it?

I found this lovely gem of a poem a while back (doesn't it match my mood?):

I Resign
Unknown
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8-year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple.
When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip,illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So...here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit cards and all my responsibility.
I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, 'cause,
"Tag! You're it."