Change

Sometimes the truth has an expiration date. Like a bottle of milk, it looses its freshness over time. And becomes irrelevant. So that when you finally have the courage to say it, it doesn't mean as much as it did at the moment you wanted to say it, but didn't. I'm slowly learning to speak the truth in the moment. My truth. Instead of holding these bits and pieces in my heart, and keeping it there until I reach my bursting point and they come tumbling out from inside me. A big ball of repressed, nervous, overwhelming, chaotic stream of thoughts, feelings, and words unsaid.

Oh my gosh!

THIS is amazing!!! Have you ever wondered how to combine the look of hand-drawn and the texture of canvas? Who knew it could be so easy?!

Get Crafty With The Girls With Glasses from The Girls With Glasses on Vimeo.

Video courtesy of http://www.promisetangemanblog.com/

I miss drawing

These gorgeous watercolors from Pop Pop Portraits makes me remember why I loved drawing in the first place!

I have been dying to start sketching black and white portraits. I have in my possession a Sketching kit with CD-Rom, sketchbook, and pencils that I bought in a set from Borders when they were majorly on sale. I watched the CD over the summer, and it got me a little excited about drawing again. But these past weeks I've been up to my ears in midterms and fellowship applications. Maybe winter break. Anybody wanna draw with me?

New Taylor Swift And It's Good!

Ok. Anybody who knows me knows that I'm obsessed with Taylor Swift. Like a freakin' pre-pubescent 12 year old girl. Like play her songs in my head 10000 times a a day. Fits every mood kind of obsessed.

So her album Speak Now doesn't officially drop until Oct. 25. There have been a few singles that I haven't been all that hot on. But Perez leaked a track online today, called "Dear John" written about John Mayer. It's a 7 minute in your face power-pop ballad. And it's amazing! Go listen to it.


Dare You to Move [Switchfoot]
Your Love is a Song [Switchfoot]

Ain't nothin' but a post it note

Today, as I found myself running to replenish my store of post-it notes only one day after I ran out, I paused to think about how much of my life is spent on post-it notes. How many days that literally begin and end on a post-it. Days when I have too many things to do, and not enough brain capacity to keep it all in. Days when I'm irritated and tired, but writing down everything I want to accomplish on a piece of paper, somehow magically makes the job easier.

And not just for grocery lists or school related work. But for bigger life goals too. I've grown accustomed to using post-it's for every area of my life. From daily to-do's to long term monthly or yearly goals. Is this anal?

The best part of the post it writing is the clarity it gives me. To look at something difficult and write it out in a series of linear steps. The other satisfying part is crossing off the things on the list one by one, until they're all complete at the end of day or whatever.

Whatever the reason why, without post-it's I would be a mess. I'm pretty sure this makes me neurotic in some way, but that's ok. I've learned to accept some things about myself :)

Magical things

Today was the first rain of the season. It seemed a bit magical to walk outdoors and see the pretty yellow leaves against the blackness of the wet pavement. And smell the cold dampness of the rain. This time of year always makes me feel so nostalgic + cozy.

3 Things I love Sunday: (because I can't think of 10)

1. The prettiest tree houses - can I live in one please?





2. Colorful paper boats

3. A lovely little leaf boat

Stubborn

I guess I'm not a people pleaser, and I'll never be. I care more about my own integrity than what other people think of me. I think I could have played the game and gotten what I wanted, but then I'd just hate myself for being one of those people. I'd rather be rejected for being honest. Then liked for pretending to be something else. Obviously it hurts. But I cant regret doing the right thing. If I only did the right thing, because it got me what I wanted. I would have no integrity. And that little bit of integrity is what preserves my sense of purpose, and being. Without that, I would be lost.

Lately I've been thinking about fear and it's tendency to control my decision making. I feel like it's easy to see fear in other people. To laugh at them for being chickensh*t about something dumb. But when I'm afraid of something. Well... that must make sense... only it's just as irrational and stupid.

Sometimes I think I'm just afraid of being afraid. The frightening thing itself isn't nearly as bad as the anxiety I get leading up to it. And some things I KNOW aren't scary at all. It wont hurt me. But it doesn't change how I feel about it. Fear is a useful evolutionary adaptation, but sometimes I beg to differ.

One thing I have always known is that I don't want to have kids until I'm not afraid. If I can't be brave, how can I expect to teach my kids any more than me? I want them to explore the world with a sense of adventure. To not be (too) afraid to take risks, or be hurt. I don't want to impart the things I'm scared of on them. Like my parents did with me. Maybe I should make a list of everything I'm afraid of and systematically do them. Just to reduce the fear.

This reminds me that I used to be really scared of the movie The Ring. I was so scared I couldn't sleep. And so scared I forced myself to watch it 6 times. Each time I watched it I got less scared. I realized it was just a movie. Maybe incorporating scary things into my life isn't such a bad idea. Get out of my comfort zone a little :)

One of the sad things about being an adult is having to act like a grown-up. I remember a passage that stuck with me from a novel I read, where the author makes an analogy between our psyche and russian nesting dolls or babushkas. Each doll represents who we were at a certain age, and as we grow older, we keep adding dolls, but the ones inside - like our six year old self, remain... buried somewhere, just waiting to be let out. ha!

This is what I feel like sometimes when I go to the kids toys section at Target. And especially when I look at the pretty fall leaves that are being shed from trees. I want to run, stomp, jump, shout, throw up a armful of leaves in the air and then jump on them when they land on the ground, and hear that loud crunching sound from all those leaves being decimated into little leaf pieces. I want to have a leaf fight and bury someone completely in leaves. I want to play happily in leaves for about an hour without worrying about how stupid it looks, or whether or not my friend thinks I'm an idiot, or if anyone I know might see me. I want to just have fun and not care that it's stupid.

The problem with being an adult is that all fun activities must be organized under a certain heading, like "hiking at Point Reyes", or "Drinks at G street Pub", or "BBQ on Sunday". As an adult, I can drink, or go dancing as forms of recreation, but inviting someone over to draw or play legos is looked upon as weird. The thing is, most of the things I am interested in doing don't involve alcohol, dancing, or the outdoors. Aside from shopping, which I do take an interest in, I feel a lot of grown-up activities to be boring. I miss the old days when I could say to my cousin "come over to my house and we'll play air guitar to our favorite songs and pretend we're rock stars". We'd take turns being lead singer, if I remember correctly. We always had a wicked good time, and it's times when I think back on memories like that that I feel like I need to listen to my inner babushka's, and make use of what's left of my "young adulthood" in creating more interesting memories.

^_____________^

I've been sick almost this entire month of September. Therefore, it was a huge relief this morning when I woke up and my throat didn't hurt like a *$%# for the first time this week. I was so happy, I couldn't get these two songs out of my head this morning: It's friday, and it's going to be a good day today :)